Saturday, August 29, 2009

Life's Rich Pattern...

Never has a truer word been spoke (sic), as my dear old Mother used to say. I am well and truly "in the wrong" now, as never before. I have been absent, as you may know, for nearly a month, and that is because things have taken a nasty turn in our family affairs since I last blogged. Three weeks ago I was totally blasted by a phone call from Daughter, who was on holiday in Greece, to say that the Boyfriend had proposed, and that she had accepted! This, as you may gather, was a total shock, given the upheaval three months ago when it looked as if her return from Dorking was imminent. At that time, they had had the mother and father of all upsets, and she couldn't wait to move back to Brighton. There were several reasons: they had been having "violent" rows, they didn't speak to each other at all, the previous year had been "terrible", she wished she had never left Brighton and couldn't wait to get back, her intellectual stimulus came from work, not from the Boyfriend, she wasn't sure if she could or should "settle for" what they had, she was going to be looking for someone else, and she didn't want to meet anyone who already had a child (as the Boyfriend has). Add to this the state she was in, and the fact that she said to me (however uncharacteristically) "Mum, you were right. You're always right." As I think I said at the time, this did not bode well!

OK, so now it's a complete "volte face", and they are engaged. She has the "gorgeous" diamond ring, to go with the two Chloe handbags, the Dior and Armani sunglasses, and the free Greek Island Holiday (just the two of them of course, Nanny Daisy and I were looking after Grandson). At the time of the upset, the Boyfriend had said that he would not apply any pressure if she would just give him another chance, a chance to change. And then he got his cheque book out. Forgive me if this sounds cynical, but I know that my lovely Daughter can be swayed by pretty things. He has been, very cleverly, playing the Daddy to her Daughter. The Daddy she didn't have to spoil her and tell her how lovely and special she is. However much I tried, I couldn't be that Daddy. And now I'm completely and utterly in the wrong because I can't smile and say, "How wonderful". Actually, I feel sick a lot of the time. And I'm not alone. The friends I have spoken to have voiced varied opinions, mostly in the region of "She could do so much better." Which is all very well, but it's not what she thinks now, three months later. I guess she was afraid to take that step, to be on her own again (not for long, I believe, with her looks, intellect and personality), to be moving back - though she would have had tons of support from family and friends - and despite all her qualities, she doesn't have a great deal of self esteem. And I'm sure that she was afraid of the effect it might have on Grandson - although we all reassured her at the time that children are very resilient and brave - which is another problem because sooner or later he will have to learn that the Boyfriend isn't his Father anyway. Oh God, life's a Bitch for sure. I'm in the wrong, and in the Dog House (arguably that's where I belong) and I don't know what to do next. Help!!


Maggie May said...

OH....... all that in the space of a month.
Life is a real bummer at times.
Our children never cease to amaze us with their actions. Sit tight & accept it. There is nothing more you can do.

Donna said...

Ok...Ok...calm down First! And I hate to tell you this but...Maggie is right. There's NOTHING you can do, EXCEPT make it Harder to get Grandson whenever you want him...Do Not make him Your enemy! I could NOT STAND my ex-SIL and STILL can't but I "make nice" because of the grandchildren...Men can sway a womans mind and Believe me...Just out of spite he could just sway her to punish You! Stay out of it...It's her bed darlin...Just love your daughter...You don't Have to approve...but you DO have to be there for her...(I think it's a law or something...Hahaa). Tell her it doesn't matter What You think, it's what SHE thinks that matters...and if She's happy, you'll be there for her...because you love her...(that line has gotten ME out of hot water on several ocassions...hahaa).
Ever tried to pull a pig Towards you?? (they try to run Away from you!)...Ever try to PUSH a pig away?? (they try to run Into you...) God's truth! Go find one and try it!
What I'm trying to simply say is in order for them to "come back to you", you first have to "let them go."
And you will....out of love.
Now let me see your gritted smile...There! See? You can Do this!!Hahaaa

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Good advice here. I feel for you though, I'd be crap at this and already wonder what kind of boyfriend/girlfriend scenarios we'll have to handle.

Keep on the right side of the toe-rag if you can - hard as I know it will be. It's the only way forward. Best of luck.

Working Mum said...

I cannot offer any advice having only been a mother for five years, but I would listen to Maggie May's words of wisdom. I hope it all sorts itself out in the end.

Anonymous said...

Oh you must have been shocked, I can't imagine how upset you must feel and perhaps just waiting for the next outburst that the engagement is off. However, I suppose we have to step back and let our kids make their own mistakes. We parents there when they need picking up etc..

My own sister fell into the trap of money (I feel) as her ex bought her diamond rings and big houses, that was until they went into serious debt and she's now living back with my mum (with her 4 yrold) whilst the ex is in dire straits in Ireland.

CJ xx

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Hi Maggie, wise woman that you are, I'm sure you're right. And I'm a bit calmer now. As you say, there's nothing I can do anyway. M xx

Hi there Donna, another wise woman's words, and I have taken heed of you both, I can assure you.
Your advice is very valuable, and I'm smiling. I've calmed down, and Grandson has been here again. I did say that I would always love her, and that's true of course - how could I do anything else? I'll just keep smiling! Hugs and thanks, M xx

Hi Reasons 123, of course, you can all see what I couldn't to begin with. I am lucky to have such good advice coming my way. It's tough swallowing my feelings, but that's what I'm doing. Thanks for your thoughts. M xx

Hi Working Mum, yes, how I wish they were 5 again!! Those problems were so much easier to sort out with a hug and a kiss! Thank you for your kind words, and I'll just keep at it! M xx

Hi Crystal, thank you also for your kind thoughts - yes, it was such a shock, but I should be used to them by now! I do feel for your family too - I rescued Daughter once, and feel pretty sure that I'll probably have to do it again sometime! Ah well, that's parenthood I guess. M xx

aims said...

Oh dear. It sounds like he is buying her love.

Everyone has already said it all. You can't do anything except sit and watch and wait.

It will most likely end badly and then she will be out of it. If you do say something then you will lose your Grandson's visits and how unhappy that will make you.

Put on the fake smile and cross your fingers behind your back. Time - ah yes - that always is what proves mothers right in the end.

Thinking of you.

family affairs said...

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