Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Bad Mother...

That's me! I'm bad on all counts it seems: lousy Single Parent (the break-up was all my fault and I didn't sufficiently consider the effect this would have on my children thirty years later!) lousy grandmother (I tried so hard to compensate for the traumatic effects of last year's dramatic break-up on my Grandson that I
consequently lavished too much love and attention on him!) And just so lousy all round that I haven't seen hide nor hair of Son since Grandson's Birthday. True I've recently managed to squeeze the occasional text message out of him, and we did have one brief (but lovely for me) phone conversation on the day before his Birthday. The most frustrating aspect of all this is that I have no control over it whatsoever! I can't force him to speak to me, or to see me,(nor would I want to do that anyway) and I don't have the oppportunity to put my point of view about all this because he won't even read a letter if I write. I supppose that what I would lke to say is that, all those years ago, I didn't have any control over events either. I didn't exactly have children (and they are beloved children) with the anticipation of being left alone to bring them up, but as that was the end of the cheese I was left with, I just got on with it. I always loved them and yes, I did put them first in just about every situation (and it seems that was a crime too!). I didn't "provide" them with a new "Daddy" because I was never prepared to compromise either their safety
or their happiness in a step-parent relationship. And I take full responsibility for that. Of course it was bound to be wrong in the long run, although then I simply put all my energies into protecting and loving them, and providing what I believed was a happy and normal environment to grow up in. WRONG! Now, it seems, it wasn't normal, only a "two parent and 2.4 children" situation is normal?? And only that kind of family life can produce a balanced, normal human being? The queries are all
mine. I saw plenty of completely dysfunctional "normal" families while my children were growing up, and maybe that's why most of their friends chose to spend their free time at our house. They didn't have the "normal" stuff to deal with at our house, it was just me: single mother, working from home so that I could be around whenever needed, cooking meals, feeding their friends, saving for holidays, getting angry from time to time, dealing with dramas, taking them to football, brownies, tennis, you know, all the "normal" stuff that families do. And make no mistake, we were a family. Only three of us, I know, but as Daughter now says, "The best damn family ever." Maybe that's a slight overstatement, but at the time I thought it was O.K. I did what I thought was right for everyone. Sorry about getting it wrong, but I thought I was getting it right. It's only now, with the benefit of thirty year's water under the bridge, that I can see the cracks. At the time I was just getting on with life. But, d'you know what, I hadn't then realized that a Mother's place is in the wrong :-)


Maggie May said...

It is so easy to blame oneself and one's parents for everything that goes wrong.
However, it is obvious that the love you have for your family is very real.
Sons have a habit of disappearing for a while & then coming back. It is always sad when it happens but I really can't think of any who are good at corresponding in any way whatsoever.
Maybe he'd prefer to Skype?
Hope you get over this problem soon.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

auntiegwen said...

Homes where children are loved and cared for are the Holy grail. You did what you thought was best for them, God you don't have to go far to read about step parenting and new blended families and how traumatic they can be.

You are not in the wrong, you were just playing with the cards you were dealt and if grown up children can't see that then they're not quite grown up yet.

And you will always love them and be there for them, umconditional love, that's the deal and it's not too shabby.

I'll toddle off and take my soap box with me, much love to you dear Margot xxx

Donna said...

I missed "The Manuel" on raising children as Well!Hahaaaa
Know What?? They'll Get Over IT!!
And if Not, it's Their loss!
I'm am SO Darn tired of Ungrateful offspring...Presented with the SAME life and choices, they wouldn't have fared ANY better!
At 59, I'm through worrying about it...My Son thinks I'm the Bank...well, not anymore...and because I Closed the Bank??? I don't hear from be it.
Happy life. I did EVERYTHING I Know to it's time to Grow Up Kiddos!!
Geez Margot....I think I Feel better now!!Hahaaaa.....
Loved the card!

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Hi Maggie, thanks for dropping by. I really begin to think that this is something that happens from time to time, whatever I do. There is probably such a thing as having too good a relationship with your children, particularly when they are grown up. I don't pretend to know what will happen next, but I'm pretty sure it will work out eventually, and then there will be something else :-). M xx

Hi Auntie Gwen, thanks so much for your lovely comments = we seem to be on the same wavelength! Let's face it, we can only do what we think is right. Yes, you're right on both counts - growing up means that you can see both sides I guess, and unconditional love is just what we give. Would be nice to get some too, wouldn't it? M xx
PS. I do get just that from Grandson though - cuddles and unconditional love, so that's OK I guess :-)

HI Donna, how lovely to hear from you, and I do empathize entirely!!
What is it that makes them so ungrateful? I suspect it's that we give so much and in so doing we teach them to take, not to give!
Simple really. But at least we have each other to sound off to!
Love and hugs, M xxx

Working Mum said...

No, not in the wrong, as far as I can see, very much in the right. Maggie is right about sons drifting away from time to time (I have to tell my husband to phone his mum and to ask her to Sunday lunch - he wouldn't think of it). I hope that your son will see things a bit more clearly soon and realise how lucky he was to have a mum who was there for him. (((((hugs)))))

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Dear Working Mum, how lovely to hear from you, and with sound sense as usual! It's interesting that's your experienced from the other side, as it were. I hadn't thought of it like that! I'm sure we'll get through it one way or another, but I wouldn't manage so well without my friends - both the Blogging ones and the "real" ones
(you know what I mean :-) Love M xx