No-one can make my Sunshine smile...

Even Terry Wogan couldn't make me smile this morning, tears are closer to the surface I'm afraid. I've spent most of the weekend trying to keep in touch with Son and sending him messages. We still haven't spoken, but at least the messages from him are getting a little more positive. I know I'm slow sometimes in seeing the obvious, but it took me until yesterday morning to realize that his message from Friday was all questions -- and he had sent them to me! So I spent yesterday writing answers to those questions.

It wasn't easy. He was asking why he can't have healthy relationships, why can't he trust anyone, all the Big Questions in life, and I don't have all the answers, but I do feel responsible for where he is right now. I always said that I wasn't perfect, and of course I was doing it on my own, but I know I could have done everything better. Who doesn't look back and think they could have done a better job? Being proud of him and loving him is fine - that's the positive part, but I still feel those hurts he felt as a little boy - the ones I tried to soothe away. And some of those little hurts have grown into bigger ones that prowl like shadows in his life and sometimes reveal themselves, like now, and demand to be given attention. I feel as if I have been waiting for this - and he's right to want answers from me. I'll do anything I can to help him make it right. Yes, it's all part of growing up - facing our demons and shedding the past in a healthy way, but it is hard. I did it without much help - I guess most of us do - but he's a part of me that I couldn't and wouldn't want to deny. In the end, he will have to deal with these demons himself, but I'll always be as supportive as I can. I have written the best and most honest answers I could muster, and I'm just going to post them to him.

On a lighter note, I've been given another Award - by the lovely Donna - which I'm proud to add to my Blog. This did make me smile, thank you Donna...