Monday, February 11, 2008

No-one can make my Sunshine smile...

Even Terry Wogan couldn't make me smile this morning, tears are closer to the surface I'm afraid. I've spent most of the weekend trying to keep in touch with Son and sending him messages. We still haven't spoken, but at least the messages from him are getting a little more positive. I know I'm slow sometimes in seeing the obvious, but it took me until yesterday morning to realize that his message from Friday was all questions -- and he had sent them to me! So I spent yesterday writing answers to those questions.

It wasn't easy. He was asking why he can't have healthy relationships, why can't he trust anyone, all the Big Questions in life, and I don't have all the answers, but I do feel responsible for where he is right now. I always said that I wasn't perfect, and of course I was doing it on my own, but I know I could have done everything better. Who doesn't look back and think they could have done a better job? Being proud of him and loving him is fine - that's the positive part, but I still feel those hurts he felt as a little boy - the ones I tried to soothe away. And some of those little hurts have grown into bigger ones that prowl like shadows in his life and sometimes reveal themselves, like now, and demand to be given attention. I feel as if I have been waiting for this - and he's right to want answers from me. I'll do anything I can to help him make it right. Yes, it's all part of growing up - facing our demons and shedding the past in a healthy way, but it is hard. I did it without much help - I guess most of us do - but he's a part of me that I couldn't and wouldn't want to deny. In the end, he will have to deal with these demons himself, but I'll always be as supportive as I can. I have written the best and most honest answers I could muster, and I'm just going to post them to him.

On a lighter note, I've been given another Award - by the lovely Donna - which I'm proud to add to my Blog. This did make me smile, thank you Donna...

8 comments:

Donna said...

You're doing all you can do sweetie!! And wonderfully! You'll see...One day, he'll look at you like,.."What's up with You Mom"??? LOL..and you'll sit there, thinking..."My Word...all that wasted time"..LOL...It's just lessons we have to learn...you'll get there and so will he!! Hughgugs

aims said...

Not having any children I'm not much help at all - so I'll just say I'm thinking of you and yours...

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Thanks again, Donna, still hanging in there. Love to you and yours in your wonderful World! M xx

Dear Aims - your thoughts and kindness are so welcome and so much appreciated. Love M xx

family affairs said...

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so responsible for your son's pain. You know what? Don't blame yourself and if he has questions about life and relationships and love it's because he's human and we all do...and you know what the difference is? He wants to talk to you about them...because he respects you and you understand him and you as a single parent have been there for him. I think you have an extraordinary relationship with your children - they don't want to let go...and that says a lot about you. Don't assume because of your broken marriage that they will trust less than the next person, assume that because they can talk to you, when they meet the right person they will make the most amazing, understanding, communicative partner anyone could hope for (and they will still insist on ringing their mum for advice in times of need. Be proud. Most people I know don't want to talk to their mothers. Sorry, a ramble but you got me there...as you say, I can see myself here, a few years down the line...and if I have children who want to ask me about the meaning of life I would like to think that I'm doing the right thing...(how old is your son anyway?) xxxx

ps let me know if you need help uploading your award - I'm an expert these days!

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Hi Lulu, and thank you so much for taking the time to cheer me up!! It really does help - I've been feeling so worried and down about it, but you're right - it would be worse if he didn't want to talk to me about these things. (He's just 28 by the way.)
Thanks and love, M xx
PS Have done the uploading, but can't do "embedding"! It's all so tricky...

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Well done on the awards, very well deserved.

It's such a hard part of life being a parent. I've learnt that during the last 8 years and particularly these last few. But it is incredibly rewarding. I guess your son asks you these questions because he is closest to you. Even though they are difficult to answer, the rewards are still there.

Crystal xx

Debra in France said...

Hi Margot, firstly thank you for the award, it was a lovely surprise and my 1st award. Secondly, although I am not a mum, I really feel for what you are going through. My first marriage broke down and it took years to trust someone again. Your son will come through it all and be stronger for doing so. He is lucky to have such a wonderful mum. As you said, at least he is talking to you about it, and not bottling it up. Time is a great healer, but it is difficult to realise this when you are going through pain and anguish. with love to you all, Debs :-)xxx

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Thank you Crystal, how kind of you to take the time when you have so much going on in your life!! M xx

Hi Debra and thank you too for your thoughts and wishes. Renewing trust is so hard, I know. I'm looking forward to Son being out the other side of this. M xx